Into Motherhood | Justina
Into Motherhood: A monthly photo + poem series inspired by authentic interviews with everyday moms.
Article and Photography by Chelsea Macor, Poetry By Michelle Bengson
Justina and her candor
I just knew before I had kids I wanted to be with them full time. I had been a nanny and worked with kids in many capacities over the years. I was so sure I would love being at home all the time. When Rufus was born I stayed home with him for nearly two years and loved so much about it. But you know what? I was also bored. So bored. And it was so hard! The idyllic moments I had imagined were not in the majority.
So when Justina said “I thought I wanted to be a stay at home mom…and then I had kids,” it cemented the deep appreciation I had for her. Staying home with kids is not for everyone and that should not have a moral weight. Even though finding the “balance” between work and kids is extremely difficult, Justina relishes being able to engage with adults and use skills that would otherwise not really happen at home with tiny children. Justina was able to really see what she needed and be open about it. That is what I want all of us to have.
Justina is the best kind of mother to have a conversation with. She is frank and doesn’t sugar coat life with small children. Don’t get me wrong, she clearly adores her kids. Fully in-love completely obsessed. But she is honest and direct, which I appreciate so much and a quality which helps put other moms at ease. With an infant and toddler, life is chaotic and overstimulating. Potty training, sleep deprivation, nursing, and just the overall adjustment to being a family of four is a lot.
So Justina just keeps going. She pulls through those moments of chaos and total overstimulation by turning to a memory of sitting on the beach with her husband, sipping coffee while the kids played, and feeling that content “this is it” moment of calm and wholeness that we are all lucky to grab on to every so often.
Cultures Coming Together
The other thing that shapes Justina’s motherhood experience and household is a merging of cultures and backgrounds. Justina grew up in PA, the daughter or Taiwanese immigrants. Her husband, Tim, is from St. Louis. They are raising their kids here in Seattle. Beyond the challenges of living far from family without a “village,” Justina and Tim arrived at parenting with completely different backgrounds. Justina, an only child who grew up in a culturally asian household and Tim, one of four siblings in a Catholic household and attending private school. The thing that makes it all work is a shared sense of family first. “It is amazing to have your partner understand family comes first without having to ask or explain anything,” said Justina.
I know firsthand how easy it is as a mom to forget about yourself between the merging of families and the demands of households and jobs, and so does Justina. This is why Justina encourages Proof of Mom. “One thing that’s stuck with me is the concept of a “proof of mom” picture. Moms are too busy capturing the moments that we forget that we’re an important part of those moments too. It doesn’t matter if you haven’t washed your hair in a week, or that you’re covered in spit up, smoothies and who knows what else, or that your eye cream isn’t strong enough to get rid of those under eye bags…get in the picture. Take a selfie if you have to. Or just call Chelsea. ☺️”
Proof of Mom
I want proof I am here.
I want a photo of me holding coffee,
stains on my shirt, children dripping
to my ankles. The center of the storm.
My eyes locked on the camera.
My kids' eyes locked on me.
No, I will not lament how as a middle aged mom, no one sees me.
I came from breath and I will return to the clouds, and therefore, I can make my way through anything.
I want a photo for my children. From this wreckage, from this beautiful snapshot of time. Evidence for when the world says I am forever gone, they will know I am eternal.
There are multiple factors that contribute to the “hard”. The obvious one is that we live far away from any family, so we don’t get the benefits (or stress) of having their help. After having a second child, I fully understand why people move closer to family.
My husband and I had pretty different upbringings in that I grew up in a culturally Asian household and spent Sundays at Chinese School, whereas he grew up in a Catholic household and went to church on Sundays. I went to public school, he went to private. I am an only child, he is one of four.
With these differences though, we share many of the same values which are largely focused around family. It is amazing to have your partner understand family comes first without having to ask or explain anything.
Even though we’re four months into life as a family of four, there are still (many) moments in which it is absolute mayhem.
Henry won’t wash his hands after using the toilet and we tell him he must. Cue tears. Rosie, who was enjoying all the activity happening around her, is startled by the sudden change in ambience. Cue tears.
I am exhausted from the ongoing sleep deprivation and constant low level of stress, and then coupled with the overstimulation from loud noises…cue the constant need for coffee.
I thought I wanted to be a stay at home mom…and then I had kids. I appreciate having a busy job as it can serve as a welcomed distraction, and allows me to use my brain and skills in ways that aren’t yet applicable with the kiddos.
It’s certainly a balance, a juggling act, some sense of harmony that I’m still refining. And many days I swing between “I’m getting the hang of this” and “WTF is going on”, but I take a deep breath, recall all the golden family moments and remember that there are more of those to come. And I wouldn’t trade that for anything in the world.
In the juggling act, one thing that’s stuck with me is the concept of a “proof of mom” picture. Moms are too busy capturing the moments that we forget that we’re an important part of those moments too.
It doesn’t matter if you haven’t washed your hair in a week, or that you’re covered in spit up, smoothies and who knows what else, or that your eye cream isn’t strong enough to get rid of those under eye bags…get in the picture. Take a selfie if you have to. Or just call Chelsea. ☺️
Because I want my kids to remember I was there. And I want to remember I was there. And the smiles my kids give me…like they’ve only got eyes for me. SWOON. I want to remember that forever.
